i really hope this will be true once again.

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I may be in one right now.
I'm so depressed.
Almost feel like giving up.

ANY ONE CAN HELP ME FIND A JOB? ANY LEADS? ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR ME? PLEASE?

Dear Blog,

I just woke up with a nice tune in my dream today. It was a happy tune, and the dream related to it was kind of disgusting but funny. So I woke up and continue to work on it for a potential song. (It is pretty good so far).

So i was finally getting happier together with CNY days which made me lighten up a bit, and feel like working on my own things a bit more. Finally I got out of the depressed feeling when E flew to the other end of the globe.

JUST WHEN I GOT OUT OF THAT SADNESS...she just had to. SHE JUST HAD TO DO IT.

she broke the news that I'll have to help out again after CNY.
I really HATE going to the stall to help out. This news has made me reallly reallllly sad and depressed and angry once again.
Since young (i believe at least 5 years old,) I have been helping out in the stall [everyday when i was young], and it really makes me HATE F&B jobs...that is why I never even think of being a waitress or anything like that. I've been called back again and again throughout days of childhood, throughout my teens, and now adult life. It is not that I am not appreciative of their job, it is not that i am ashamed. It is not that I couldn't see it, I feel sad too now and again times now and then i weep for them working their asses off to bring me up. And since i know it isn't a nice job to be working on everyday, and it is very tiring. BUT I REALLY HATE WORKING THERE.


The thing is, I don't even have the right to reject, I don't even have to right to be angry, I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT TO BE SAD!

this is my fucked up life right now.
Hopefully this is the only suck-y bit. I hate myself being like this. I want to be happy. be capable of great things. have time to work on my dreams, my career, my future. Not stuck in the vicious cycle of all these relentless shit.




-sorry and i just have to rant, and get it all out.

ps.
Dear God, If you do exist (which I very much like to believe you do) Please, Please, let me find a decent job soon.. :(
If i'm able to find a decent job, or churn out a career that's enough to keep the family alive without them working, they can finally be relieved off their tiring and awful duties (even if i do not know if they hated it like I do). And if that is so, I wouldn't have to work there anymore too! :)
Please let me find a job of my interest and my love, my passion in music...and prove to people and her that I can do it. I can do what i like, be happy, and make a living out of it. Make her understand, she's old, it wil be sad if she never understood the importance of it in her entire life. Especially when it is possible and nothing is forcing you to not do it (like if you are stuck in a deserted island, or being in extreme poverty). The way for her to be convinced is that I do it. I make it, and show it to her live.
thank you.



- sorry for all the angst and the vulgarities too...=(

when twitter seems to become your boyfriend.

stuck.
worthless.
useless.



what am i to do?
oh dearie me...what happened to me?

How can I be sad when it's holiday now.






Maybe it's because my mom just scolded me for being at home whole day, yet not helping out with housework.
Maybe it's because I feel useless and helpless, not knowing exactly what to do next in life to achieve something close to my dream.
Maybe it's because I feel I'm too old to complete what I dreamt about.
Maybe it's because I am not doing anything my maximum best (as much as i could) towards it.
Maybe it's because I do know I am completely capable of doing but just lack the courage and missed the perfect timing.
Maybe it's because the choice of going to NUS is not the right choice.
Maybe... This is not a maybe. It's because that E is going to the complete opposite place and be away for three years.

This is a scary thought.
I am truly happy for him. I am. I admire his courage to chase his dreams and just move towards it. I am in fact envy that he can go to the place and do something I yearned to do but couldn't myself. I wish I can be like him too. Maybe I asked for too much.
But I am still really proud and glad for him. I hope he'll return home and make himself proud. I hope he will not forget me.
And at the same time I do not know what lies ahead for me. I hope it's good. I want to make myself proud too.

I am happy for him and at the same time sad for myself.
It is bittersweet.



I know this post sounds entirely childish and makes me seem like idkwatever...but this is what my heart really says.